Personal Thought 3...
The last one in a long time. This was dated 13th March 2004. It's the most often talked about topic: Relationships.
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Hi everyone,
I’m back…! It’s been a very long while since my last e-mail about my thoughts. Too long in fact. Well, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking. It’s just that too many things have been going on in my mind that I couldn’t find the time nor strength to write an e-mail by examining my thoughts and putting them into understandable words. Regardless, I’ve got my mind on track now and am able to focus on a topic which I feel would be of most interest to the majority of you.
Today I’ll talk about something most of you would have either experienced or are experiencing, whether directly or indirectly. Yup, the thing that most people our age find themselves in. Relationships. Not just mere friendly relations or with family etc. What I’m talking about is a relationship between a guy and gal which most people would interpret as “love”.
Where shall I start? I guess we’ll go to the beginning, for the sake of those not yet in a relationship. Ask yourself the question. Why would I want to get into a relationship? Many people would ridicule this question and say things like, “When you find that special someone, you will get into a relationship regardless of what you plan beforehand”. I agree. However, you need to consider what the important things are in your life. By having a relationship, what are the possible ways in which it may change your life? If it does change your life (which it obviously will in most cases), will it be for better or for worse? If it were for the better; could it be that it is good for you but not for your studies (etc.)? You need to consider whether you will dictate how the relationship affects your life or whether the relationship itself will dictate YOUR life.
I know it sounds like a whole lot of rubbish and I must admit that if I were in a situation in which I would be strongly considering a relationship with someone, those questions may not influence my decision one bit. However, it does help you (to a certain extent) to prepare you for what comes ahead. I know a lot of people stick to the saying “cross the bridge when you come to it”. However, I would think it is better to stick to the saying “be prepared”. By that I don’t mean you should just sit around and wonder when the next “suitable” person may come along. What I mean is we should prepare ourselves so that we are well equipped to handle the situation when it arises. For example, we learn how to “fix bridges” in case we find that when we reach “the bridge”, it is broken.
Just remember. Relationships will ultimately lead to 2 consequences. Either you will end up marrying the person, or you will break-up with that person. We can crudely say that relationships will either end up with at least one party feeling happy (or blissful) or sad (I should think sad is not much of an appropriate word. Probably shattered would be more adequate).
Ok, we’ve gotten past the first hurdle; i.e. the pre-relationship period. Now we come to the important stage, the relationship proper. So you’re now in a relationship. What next? Well, what can I say? It’s up to you. I can’t tell you how to behave in a relationship or how to keep it lively etc. It’s up to you to decide how you should approach your relationship. The most important thing is to BE YOURSELF!!! I can’t stress this more seriously. It is common for people who take relationships very seriously to care so much for a person that he/she causes the person to suffocate in the relationship. I know it is silly and I myself find it hard to comprehend. I mean, if I love my partner so very much, shouldn’t it be good because she will know how much I care for her? It seems that “loving someone too much” can cause you to change in the sense that you try too hard to love the person while you are unaware of the fact that by doing so, you have actually changed and probably lost the part of you which your partner likes (or loves).
The problem with relationships is that in most cases, people do not know what their partner expects from the relationship and from them. Many people break-up because they find that their partner is not what they expect. They feel that they “cannot understand” their partner or feel that their partner is “not suitable”. Fair enough. However I feel that that is an easy way out of a relationship, especially if a person is not willing to commit himself/herself to the relationship. Relationships are about discovering and exploring your partner. Not physically (to any perverts reading this) but emotionally and personally. If we already knew everything about our partner, how can the relationship be interesting anymore? It would most probably lead to a break-up. Most couples in successful relationships will tell you that they continue to learn something new about their partner even after 50 years of marriage!
Some people feel that cultural and religious differences may prevent them from being a good couple. However, I would think that it will be more interesting because they can learn much more about their partner and always have things to talk about. Obviously people would consider things like what religion their children will be if they think far ahead. My suggestion is to give time for the relationship. You can’t possibly understand your partner by just being with him/her for 1 month let’s say. You can’t say, “I have been with him/her for 1 month and I feel he/she is not suitable for me”. You guys started the relationship. Make an effort to know your partner and give time to really understand him/her. Time is an important part in all relationships and is integral if you want your relationship with your partner to be a lasting one.
Sure, a lot of people will say “I’ll break up with my partner early so that I won’t hurt him/her by carrying on the relationship for a long time”. However, this brings me back to my above point. You cannot possibly honestly understand your partner by being together for just a short while. You may think that your partner will be hurt less if you break up early than if you break up late but in truth, the earlier you break up the more hurt your partner will be. Your partner would most probably feel that he/she did not get much of a chance and that their partner was just playing with their feelings. Some people will say that after a month they may feel that they don’t really like/love their partner and they believe they should end the relationship. However, I believe that this happens because being in the relationship is new to them. Of course they may have had other partners before. However, the relationship between the BOTH OF THEM is new. We can never compare two relationships. Each relationship is different and unique. That’s what makes them so special. So what I am trying to say is that even though the couple may have been very good friends and enjoyed each other’s company for a long time before the relationship, things will always change because of the relationship. Relationships are more serious and there are more responsibilities for both parties. Because of this, it is easy to lose sight of the partner you like/love and instead feel that you are both not suitable. This is a trap many couples fall into at the beginning of their relationships leaving their partners devastated and utterly hurt. Like I said; give time for the relationship to grow. Don’t pull out the plant just before the flower comes out.
On the subject of being with your partner; DON’T EVER start a relationship if you are not going to be serious about it. NEVER play with your partner’s feelings. Sometimes people feel they just want to “try out” and “see how it works” so they start a relationship with their partner. Then they feel they don’t want to carry on and they dump their partner. I am begging you on behalf of everyone in the world with a heart. Don’t get into a relationship if you are not going to make a reasonable effort to try your best to make the relationship work. It is both unfair and hurtful to your partner. I’m very sure that none of you who receive this e-mail do this. However I know some of you forward this e-mail to your other friends and as such, some people who get this e-mail may do these things. Just remember. What goes around comes around (or you can call it “karma” or “ying and yang”). If you hurt others because you are not serious about the relationship; trust me, you’ll get your payback. God is fair and He counts every teardrop your partner may shed because of your heartlessness.
I’m not cursing anyone. It’s just that I have seen too many people (all girls) get hurt by guys who play with their feelings. It is both cruel and inhuman.
Another thing vital to relationships is HONESTY. This should form the backbone of every relationship. Sometimes, people may feel that their partner doesn’t seem to be doing what they expect from the relationship. In this case, TELL YOUR PARTNER. Do not just sit back and think “he/she should know what I want”. Your partner isn’t a mind reader or a clairvoyant. He/she cannot fully understand everything you want if you do not tell him/her. Talk with your partner. Exchange views, wants, needs etc. so that you can get closer together and forge a stronger relationship. If you get into a fight, be honest and ask for forgiveness (both of you) after that. Share your life with your partner. Don’t live as two individuals. Live as a couple with your partner.
So far we have skimmed the surface and probably even gone a little deep into the fibers which make up a relationship. Now I’ll go into a place which seems to be a growing trend in these times. That is sex. This is often considered to be taboo and many people shy away from this subject. However, I believe that by making it a taboo, it will only succeed in making people more curious about it and want to experiment with it even more.
Many couples (mostly the guys) see sex as the pivotal part of a relationship. Some girls feel that by having sex with a guy, it guarantees his love and will strengthen the relationship. These perceptions are extremely dangerous. Sex DOES NOT, and NEVER WILL guarantee happiness in a relationship. Sex DOES NOT commit your partner to marry you or stay with you. If you have a baby with your partner, THERE IS NO GUARANTEE that your partner must continue to care for and support you. In actual fact, it is found that sex before marriage causes more relationships to deteriorate than to become stronger. Understand the implications of sex. Most couples will feel that their partner is “THE ONE” they will always be with and marry etc. and as such, would submit themselves into this act of passion. You can never be more wrong if you think this way. What will you do if he/she does not marry you? What are you going to tell your future husband/wife (especially if they are virgins)? You see, sex before marriage spoils your chances of having a really happy marriage with someone else if you broke-up with the person you had sex with.
If your partner asks you to have sex with him/her, ask him/her why. If he/she says it is because he/she loves you, ask them why they must have sex just because he/she loves him/her. I am sure your partner would never be able to give a suitable explanation. Please remember. LOVE ≠ SEX. Save it for marriage. You can never go wrong there.
You may think I am a closed minded person just because I disagree with pre-marital sex. You may say that “I need to follow the times” etc. Does it make anyone stupid or useless if they did not have pre-marital sex? Are they losers? If you have had sex before, you may think it is fun. However if you think about it… Honestly. You will see that the disadvantages attributed to pre-marital sex far outweigh the single benefit of “having fun”. The real losers are those who indulge in pre-marital sex. They have just limited their future.
It is obvious in relationships that there will be kissing, petting etc. Just control yourselves and never let it get to the point where you start to undress everything. You may think you are in control but in truth, you are on the brink of losing control. Prevent it from happening instead of regretting it later.
Well, I guess I’ve touched on most aspects of a relationship. I’ll wrap it up with the final stage of a relationship. As I mentioned, there are 2. It is useless for me to talk about marriage now since at this age, it would be of little to no relevance to us. Therefore, I’ll skip to the part which most people will dread. The break-up.
If you caused the break-up, all I can say is examine yourself with my points in the above e-mail and seriously consider what you have done. Consider whether you really gave your ex a chance and whether you could have done more to try and make the relationship work. If you feel that you may not have treated your ex appropriately and given him/her a fair chance, there is no shame in taking him/her back. I strongly believe that he/she will be extremely happy if he/she really likes/loves you. Give them a chance and try to work things out. And this time, give them more time. If you feel that he/she is a real screw up and you cannot stand being with him/her, at least treat him/her as a good friend. Don’t just leave them to rot away. Take their hand and help them get up from their darkness and pain. If you dumped your ex because he/she hurt you terribly or cheated on you, just keep in mind that you deserve someone better. Never settle for someone who does not treat you well. You are special and you WILL find the right person eventually.
If you were dumped, consider the reasons as to WHY you were dumped. If you were a terrible partner who didn’t treat your ex well or cheated on your ex then you very well deserve it and I have little to no sympathy for you. The rest of you are probably in pain even until now. If you really love your ex, by all means try and get her back. In most cases, he/she would probably not want to take you back and would say that “it’s impossible” or something along those lines. Sure, you can’t force people to love you. Also, people say “if you truly love the person, you will let him/her go”. However, I believe that at times, although you need to care about others, you also need to think about your happiness. You may not stand much of a chance getting your ex back. But just give it all you’ve got. Do your best. Don’t pressure your ex too much. If it’s meant to be, you will get him/her back. If it’s not meant to be, at least you will know that you have done your best. Just give it all you’ve got. Be strong and hold on, it’s not the end.
There is no point in continuing to be sad that you were dumped. Like I said, go ahead and try to get him/her back if you really love him/her. But don’t try to act sad to gain sympathy from your ex. It’ll make you look even more pathetic. I know it may be hard to see your ex happy while you are sad. And I am sure that many of you will be scared that your ex may find someone else. However, it is no use feeling sorry for yourself. Life is too short to be crying every night about something you’ve lost. Get up, stand up. It may be hard, but remember that there are many others who care about you and may feel sad seeing you in a bad condition. Don’t let others down just because you are sad. Carry on living your life as you used to live before you were dumped. Maybe then if you really love your ex, he/she may realize his/her mistake and give you another chance. Just do your best…
I guess that pretty much wraps everything up. I would love to hear feedback if anyone has any. Hope this proved an interesting read for you guys and that you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it. Have fun and live a wholesome life. Take care and God bless!
Justin
P/s. These are just my thoughts and my way of looking at things. I am in no way implying that what I say is correct and true. Because they are MY thoughts, you may think differently. I do not guarantee that these thoughts will make a relationship work out. I am also not in any way responsible for any break-ups that may happen because you read this e-mail. Take everything you read/hear with a pinch of salt.
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Hi everyone,
I’m back…! It’s been a very long while since my last e-mail about my thoughts. Too long in fact. Well, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking. It’s just that too many things have been going on in my mind that I couldn’t find the time nor strength to write an e-mail by examining my thoughts and putting them into understandable words. Regardless, I’ve got my mind on track now and am able to focus on a topic which I feel would be of most interest to the majority of you.
Today I’ll talk about something most of you would have either experienced or are experiencing, whether directly or indirectly. Yup, the thing that most people our age find themselves in. Relationships. Not just mere friendly relations or with family etc. What I’m talking about is a relationship between a guy and gal which most people would interpret as “love”.
Where shall I start? I guess we’ll go to the beginning, for the sake of those not yet in a relationship. Ask yourself the question. Why would I want to get into a relationship? Many people would ridicule this question and say things like, “When you find that special someone, you will get into a relationship regardless of what you plan beforehand”. I agree. However, you need to consider what the important things are in your life. By having a relationship, what are the possible ways in which it may change your life? If it does change your life (which it obviously will in most cases), will it be for better or for worse? If it were for the better; could it be that it is good for you but not for your studies (etc.)? You need to consider whether you will dictate how the relationship affects your life or whether the relationship itself will dictate YOUR life.
I know it sounds like a whole lot of rubbish and I must admit that if I were in a situation in which I would be strongly considering a relationship with someone, those questions may not influence my decision one bit. However, it does help you (to a certain extent) to prepare you for what comes ahead. I know a lot of people stick to the saying “cross the bridge when you come to it”. However, I would think it is better to stick to the saying “be prepared”. By that I don’t mean you should just sit around and wonder when the next “suitable” person may come along. What I mean is we should prepare ourselves so that we are well equipped to handle the situation when it arises. For example, we learn how to “fix bridges” in case we find that when we reach “the bridge”, it is broken.
Just remember. Relationships will ultimately lead to 2 consequences. Either you will end up marrying the person, or you will break-up with that person. We can crudely say that relationships will either end up with at least one party feeling happy (or blissful) or sad (I should think sad is not much of an appropriate word. Probably shattered would be more adequate).
Ok, we’ve gotten past the first hurdle; i.e. the pre-relationship period. Now we come to the important stage, the relationship proper. So you’re now in a relationship. What next? Well, what can I say? It’s up to you. I can’t tell you how to behave in a relationship or how to keep it lively etc. It’s up to you to decide how you should approach your relationship. The most important thing is to BE YOURSELF!!! I can’t stress this more seriously. It is common for people who take relationships very seriously to care so much for a person that he/she causes the person to suffocate in the relationship. I know it is silly and I myself find it hard to comprehend. I mean, if I love my partner so very much, shouldn’t it be good because she will know how much I care for her? It seems that “loving someone too much” can cause you to change in the sense that you try too hard to love the person while you are unaware of the fact that by doing so, you have actually changed and probably lost the part of you which your partner likes (or loves).
The problem with relationships is that in most cases, people do not know what their partner expects from the relationship and from them. Many people break-up because they find that their partner is not what they expect. They feel that they “cannot understand” their partner or feel that their partner is “not suitable”. Fair enough. However I feel that that is an easy way out of a relationship, especially if a person is not willing to commit himself/herself to the relationship. Relationships are about discovering and exploring your partner. Not physically (to any perverts reading this) but emotionally and personally. If we already knew everything about our partner, how can the relationship be interesting anymore? It would most probably lead to a break-up. Most couples in successful relationships will tell you that they continue to learn something new about their partner even after 50 years of marriage!
Some people feel that cultural and religious differences may prevent them from being a good couple. However, I would think that it will be more interesting because they can learn much more about their partner and always have things to talk about. Obviously people would consider things like what religion their children will be if they think far ahead. My suggestion is to give time for the relationship. You can’t possibly understand your partner by just being with him/her for 1 month let’s say. You can’t say, “I have been with him/her for 1 month and I feel he/she is not suitable for me”. You guys started the relationship. Make an effort to know your partner and give time to really understand him/her. Time is an important part in all relationships and is integral if you want your relationship with your partner to be a lasting one.
Sure, a lot of people will say “I’ll break up with my partner early so that I won’t hurt him/her by carrying on the relationship for a long time”. However, this brings me back to my above point. You cannot possibly honestly understand your partner by being together for just a short while. You may think that your partner will be hurt less if you break up early than if you break up late but in truth, the earlier you break up the more hurt your partner will be. Your partner would most probably feel that he/she did not get much of a chance and that their partner was just playing with their feelings. Some people will say that after a month they may feel that they don’t really like/love their partner and they believe they should end the relationship. However, I believe that this happens because being in the relationship is new to them. Of course they may have had other partners before. However, the relationship between the BOTH OF THEM is new. We can never compare two relationships. Each relationship is different and unique. That’s what makes them so special. So what I am trying to say is that even though the couple may have been very good friends and enjoyed each other’s company for a long time before the relationship, things will always change because of the relationship. Relationships are more serious and there are more responsibilities for both parties. Because of this, it is easy to lose sight of the partner you like/love and instead feel that you are both not suitable. This is a trap many couples fall into at the beginning of their relationships leaving their partners devastated and utterly hurt. Like I said; give time for the relationship to grow. Don’t pull out the plant just before the flower comes out.
On the subject of being with your partner; DON’T EVER start a relationship if you are not going to be serious about it. NEVER play with your partner’s feelings. Sometimes people feel they just want to “try out” and “see how it works” so they start a relationship with their partner. Then they feel they don’t want to carry on and they dump their partner. I am begging you on behalf of everyone in the world with a heart. Don’t get into a relationship if you are not going to make a reasonable effort to try your best to make the relationship work. It is both unfair and hurtful to your partner. I’m very sure that none of you who receive this e-mail do this. However I know some of you forward this e-mail to your other friends and as such, some people who get this e-mail may do these things. Just remember. What goes around comes around (or you can call it “karma” or “ying and yang”). If you hurt others because you are not serious about the relationship; trust me, you’ll get your payback. God is fair and He counts every teardrop your partner may shed because of your heartlessness.
I’m not cursing anyone. It’s just that I have seen too many people (all girls) get hurt by guys who play with their feelings. It is both cruel and inhuman.
Another thing vital to relationships is HONESTY. This should form the backbone of every relationship. Sometimes, people may feel that their partner doesn’t seem to be doing what they expect from the relationship. In this case, TELL YOUR PARTNER. Do not just sit back and think “he/she should know what I want”. Your partner isn’t a mind reader or a clairvoyant. He/she cannot fully understand everything you want if you do not tell him/her. Talk with your partner. Exchange views, wants, needs etc. so that you can get closer together and forge a stronger relationship. If you get into a fight, be honest and ask for forgiveness (both of you) after that. Share your life with your partner. Don’t live as two individuals. Live as a couple with your partner.
So far we have skimmed the surface and probably even gone a little deep into the fibers which make up a relationship. Now I’ll go into a place which seems to be a growing trend in these times. That is sex. This is often considered to be taboo and many people shy away from this subject. However, I believe that by making it a taboo, it will only succeed in making people more curious about it and want to experiment with it even more.
Many couples (mostly the guys) see sex as the pivotal part of a relationship. Some girls feel that by having sex with a guy, it guarantees his love and will strengthen the relationship. These perceptions are extremely dangerous. Sex DOES NOT, and NEVER WILL guarantee happiness in a relationship. Sex DOES NOT commit your partner to marry you or stay with you. If you have a baby with your partner, THERE IS NO GUARANTEE that your partner must continue to care for and support you. In actual fact, it is found that sex before marriage causes more relationships to deteriorate than to become stronger. Understand the implications of sex. Most couples will feel that their partner is “THE ONE” they will always be with and marry etc. and as such, would submit themselves into this act of passion. You can never be more wrong if you think this way. What will you do if he/she does not marry you? What are you going to tell your future husband/wife (especially if they are virgins)? You see, sex before marriage spoils your chances of having a really happy marriage with someone else if you broke-up with the person you had sex with.
If your partner asks you to have sex with him/her, ask him/her why. If he/she says it is because he/she loves you, ask them why they must have sex just because he/she loves him/her. I am sure your partner would never be able to give a suitable explanation. Please remember. LOVE ≠ SEX. Save it for marriage. You can never go wrong there.
You may think I am a closed minded person just because I disagree with pre-marital sex. You may say that “I need to follow the times” etc. Does it make anyone stupid or useless if they did not have pre-marital sex? Are they losers? If you have had sex before, you may think it is fun. However if you think about it… Honestly. You will see that the disadvantages attributed to pre-marital sex far outweigh the single benefit of “having fun”. The real losers are those who indulge in pre-marital sex. They have just limited their future.
It is obvious in relationships that there will be kissing, petting etc. Just control yourselves and never let it get to the point where you start to undress everything. You may think you are in control but in truth, you are on the brink of losing control. Prevent it from happening instead of regretting it later.
Well, I guess I’ve touched on most aspects of a relationship. I’ll wrap it up with the final stage of a relationship. As I mentioned, there are 2. It is useless for me to talk about marriage now since at this age, it would be of little to no relevance to us. Therefore, I’ll skip to the part which most people will dread. The break-up.
If you caused the break-up, all I can say is examine yourself with my points in the above e-mail and seriously consider what you have done. Consider whether you really gave your ex a chance and whether you could have done more to try and make the relationship work. If you feel that you may not have treated your ex appropriately and given him/her a fair chance, there is no shame in taking him/her back. I strongly believe that he/she will be extremely happy if he/she really likes/loves you. Give them a chance and try to work things out. And this time, give them more time. If you feel that he/she is a real screw up and you cannot stand being with him/her, at least treat him/her as a good friend. Don’t just leave them to rot away. Take their hand and help them get up from their darkness and pain. If you dumped your ex because he/she hurt you terribly or cheated on you, just keep in mind that you deserve someone better. Never settle for someone who does not treat you well. You are special and you WILL find the right person eventually.
If you were dumped, consider the reasons as to WHY you were dumped. If you were a terrible partner who didn’t treat your ex well or cheated on your ex then you very well deserve it and I have little to no sympathy for you. The rest of you are probably in pain even until now. If you really love your ex, by all means try and get her back. In most cases, he/she would probably not want to take you back and would say that “it’s impossible” or something along those lines. Sure, you can’t force people to love you. Also, people say “if you truly love the person, you will let him/her go”. However, I believe that at times, although you need to care about others, you also need to think about your happiness. You may not stand much of a chance getting your ex back. But just give it all you’ve got. Do your best. Don’t pressure your ex too much. If it’s meant to be, you will get him/her back. If it’s not meant to be, at least you will know that you have done your best. Just give it all you’ve got. Be strong and hold on, it’s not the end.
There is no point in continuing to be sad that you were dumped. Like I said, go ahead and try to get him/her back if you really love him/her. But don’t try to act sad to gain sympathy from your ex. It’ll make you look even more pathetic. I know it may be hard to see your ex happy while you are sad. And I am sure that many of you will be scared that your ex may find someone else. However, it is no use feeling sorry for yourself. Life is too short to be crying every night about something you’ve lost. Get up, stand up. It may be hard, but remember that there are many others who care about you and may feel sad seeing you in a bad condition. Don’t let others down just because you are sad. Carry on living your life as you used to live before you were dumped. Maybe then if you really love your ex, he/she may realize his/her mistake and give you another chance. Just do your best…
I guess that pretty much wraps everything up. I would love to hear feedback if anyone has any. Hope this proved an interesting read for you guys and that you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it. Have fun and live a wholesome life. Take care and God bless!
Justin
P/s. These are just my thoughts and my way of looking at things. I am in no way implying that what I say is correct and true. Because they are MY thoughts, you may think differently. I do not guarantee that these thoughts will make a relationship work out. I am also not in any way responsible for any break-ups that may happen because you read this e-mail. Take everything you read/hear with a pinch of salt.
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